my name is hope

Joy.

Pure. Simple. Joy.

And peace.

These are the things that are so often (too often) overlooked because let's face it, negativity is a lot easier. 

But not today. Today has been... My God. Exactly what I've been praying for.

Wait! Pause! Let's take it back a bit...

So the other day when I saw that thing about worry I sent Jared a text because we had just been talking about that struggle. I told him that I finally realized just how dedicated God is to getting my attention and that basically He's trying to tell me something: my number is up. 

I no longer have the luxury of messing around with this life anymore. I need to stop taking advantage of God's patience with me and appreciate that He has been chasing me all these years, just waiting for me to turn around!

He gave me everything I ever wanted and then took it away, because He wanted to give me everything I need. And there, at my wit's end and when I felt like all of the inner resources I usually relied on were tapped out, there at the bottom of my own emotional hell - that's where He found me.

And now it's time for me to pick up my life, get over myself and work toward proving to Christ that I was worth dying for. 

(read: it's time for me to stop being such a spaz)

-

John Mark's book came out yesterday and I started reading it immediately. Why had I never realized that even the most faithful disciples, prophets, hell even Christ Himself felt worry and anxiety? Within the first few pages I could already tell this was yet another turning point in my life. 

So yesterday I made new resolves. New promises. To myself and to others.

And true to form, when I awoke this morning I felt that usual fear and worry try to creep in the very second my quiet, trusting subconscious wore off.

But I was prepared! I had John Mark's words in my heart:

1) Take every thought captive

2) Control your thoughts, or your thoughts will control you

3) Replace those negative thoughts with what you know is true

Want to know what I know is true?

The impossible has already happened.

The promise has already been fulfilled.

Christ came back from the dead and made good on everything He said He would.

And when I can remember that, it becomes easier to believe that whatever is hindering happiness in my own life is only me, and my own thoughts, dragging me down into an endless canyon of "what if?". 

Which, if you'll pardon me, is pure crap on my part.

This morning on my drive to work I decided to be happy (which I am most of the time - sickeningly joyful - optimistic too, so you better watch yourself if you're not into that kind of thing). I could feel the power of doubt trying to edge its way back in but I decided to ask God for a sign. 

I got two. 

I was still skeptical for some reason though. I still needed to test Him, or something ridiculous like that (oh yeah Lauren, test God, see how that works out for you...) but I held off as much as possible.

But as I walked up to Dean & Robin's to meet up for dinner, God put someone very dear to me in my heart and told me to just drop a quick line to say "hi".

I did. 

And the conversation that transpired over the next hour (yes, via text, because we're all tech savvy and such) proved to be that last bit of peace I was trying so hard not to ask for (but that He evidently knew I needed). 

The rest of the night has seen me with an elated heart. Between all of the things I've mentioned (as well as emails from blog friends that made me squeal with glee) I am going to bed smiling (though that may also have something to do with the fact that I'v got 30 Rock on here in the background and Liz Lemon is sining about cheese).

I know I will continue to trip and worry and doubt, but for right now?

Right now I've got peace.