okay.

If you want a bit of a preface for this post, this would be a good place to start. 

If you want to just dive right into a pile of what it would look like if I took the contents of my brain, threw it in a blender with some blueberry yogurt and a handful of psychosis and topped it with a cherry, by all means...

-

How do you learn to just say that one little word:

okay.

How do you access the faith to be handed something so seemingly insurmountable and just take a deep breath of acceptance?

How did Jessi do it?

How did Diane do it?

How did Christ himself do it when he learned his entire purpose on this earth was to die hanging on a cross with nails in his hands and thorns on his head?

Short answer:

I have no idea. 

Long answer:

I lied. I do have an idea. And the answer is a pretty good one at that. The only problem is that it's not an easy answer.

And though by no means have I experienced loss on the same levels as the women I mentioned, there is no standard yardstick to measure pain and loss. We each feel it in our own ways. 

-

How do you separate what you want from what you want to want?

And when you are having trouble wanting that thing you want to want, how can you be sure that you're trusting your faith and saying "okay", and not just giving up?

Blerg. 

I've spent the past year learning more about my faith, learning more about why I believe, and learning how to adjust my thought process from thinking of my life solely as my own to knowing I want to live my life for something Greater. But with that has come the reluctance to release the reigns, so to speak. I spent so long thinking that it was all up to me that I developed a stubborn streak.

Now that stubborn streak is rising up, building to some cataclysmic end - or so I hope, anyway. Because I want that streak gone. I want to stop trying to control everything going on in my life, hoping I can change things to fit my own selfish wants and needs. I want to be able to, for the first time in my life, believe fully that God will take this one from me and do a far better job fixing it than I could. I want to trust Him completely. 

I want to say "okay" and mean it. 

How do I do that? 

If I want it so badly, and pray for it so fervently, why am I not filled with the peace of that kind of trust?

I see these women all around who are faced with something gut-wrenching and yet they are not to be broken. They take what has been hurled at them, they feel it, they seem to accept it and say okay. 

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

-

The thing that frightened me the most in the world happened almost one year ago.

It was something I thought would break me to pieces (and trust me, it came close) but on the contrary, I can feel it made me stronger. It brought me out of a shadow I didn't even realize I was living in and brought me closer to a God I want to trust with all my heart. 

I want to love God more than anything and I want to have faith that He will not let me fall. 

I want to say okay.  

an email on a rainy day

Hi Boo,

Just a moment to focus on you..and say how much I thank God for His entrusting your birth, and subsequent life to me. Remember what I have said before...a parent's  most important charge is to get their children to heaven. Let's get going!

Love,

Dad-n

-

Do I have an amazing Dad or what?

KONY 2012

I've been slow on the uptake.

It wasn't until last night that I finally took the time to learn more about this name I was seeing floating around:

KONY. 

Who?

Exactly.

My days have been ticking blissfully by, not knowing the name of the man who is literally the world's #1 war criminal.

And then I watched this video.

30 minutes have never seemed quite like 30 seconds before. 

If there's ever been a bandwagon worth jumping on, this is it.

We wonder why bad things happen. We wonder why no one does anything. We wonder how, in 2012, this is still happening.

Will it always be like this?

Maybe.

But is this our opportunity for hope? 

Absolutely. 

-

John Mark and his wife Tammy are in Uganda as I type this.

They are awaiting further word on whether or not the judge will grant them their adoption of their daughter.

One more child who has a chance to get out of that world and into a family, and a church, that already loves her more than they can bear. 

-

Prayer changes reality.

If nothing else, if you are unable to do anything else...

Pray.

To whoever you believe is listening.

Pray for the children. Pray for John Mark and Tammy. Pray for their daughter. Pray for the men and women fighting for justice. Pray for the cause.

And you know what?

Pray for Kony.

Because in its own way, it is heartbreaking that any human being could become the monster that he is.

And because the only true weapon against evil is goodness. 

Pray that, even in the last instant, this man might see the egregious error of his ways. 

Because if no one tries, nothing will change. 

an open letter

Dear Satan,

Just a quick note to let you know one thing: I'm on to you.

I know what you've been up to. I know that you're trying to bring me down. I know that you would love nothing more than to see me in ruins, broken, and turning my back on everything I hold dear and know to be true.

Well guess what?

It's not going to work.

You're fighting a losing battle.

That war has already been won. The victory has already been claimed. And to the victor has gone the spoils - my heart belongs to God. 

Don't you dare think for one second that I don't see you there, lurking in the darkest corners of my world, waiting to see if I'll take the bait; waiting to pounce when my defenses are at their weakest. 

Shows how little you know. 

No seriously, it just goes to show how truly small you are.

Don't you know that I am protected at all times? Do you really not realize that even when my guard is down, and my shield has been lowered, that there is a fierce defender at my back? One who watches over me, holds me in the palm of his hand and has promised to take care of me.

And you know what the kicker is? Every promise he has ever made me has been kept. 

Unlike you, great deceiver that you are, who takes pleasure in watching the failings of your word bring down soul after soul. Your callousness is matched by only one thing in this world:

His LOVE.

Anyway, I just thought it was high time you knew that your tricks won't work on me anymore. I know what you're trying to do by setting up these perfect opportunities to turn from the God I trust. And now that I know that, I can do the worst thing you could ever imagine - continue to love and trust my God. 

You will not break me. 

I will not give up. 

Nothing will tear me from the arms of the One who has kept me, not because of anything I have done, but because of EVERYTHING he has done. 

For me.

By grace.

-

You know, I feel sorry for you. 

I do.

Because you had that once. And you chose to throw it all away. 

What good has that done you? Do you not even appreciate the irony of it all? I mean, you must realize that we all know you're the most miserable creature in all of hell. We know how you must suffer, being so far from something so good. 

Of course, anyone would suffer knowing they will inevitably lose. Because I hate to break it to you, but good will always win out over evil. Always. 

Want to know why? 

Because the one thing I know for sure is that God is all powerful. God is Almighty. God is EVERYTHING.

And you, quite simply, are not. 

You are where you are because He put you there. 

What power do you think you have over that?

(I'll give you a hint: none)

So like I said, I just wanted to let you know that your sick plan isn't going to work. I've got the most powerful defense in the whole of the universe: Him. 

And there ain't nothing you can do to stop THAT. 

(Don't even try - you know how well that's gone for you in the past)

So I guess that's all I had to say. I'll let you get back to whatever it is you think you can do.

Oh, and one more thing?

Shove it.

Sincerely, 

Lauren