turn around

So...

I stumbled yesterday.

And God got my attention in a big way.

If you've ever been over to my everyday blog Happenstance & Wanderlust, you might have seen this post about some of life's nastier emotions stirring up in my life - jealousy in particular.

I've never been a jealous person. Actually, I've never really been one for anything too negative, really. Sure, I've got a temper (that only three people on the planet have received the full brunt of - guess I'm doing okay if only three people have ever made me mad enough to unleash it) and I've had some awfully vindictive thoughts traipse about my soul from time to time. But honestly, for the most part, I am a happy, trusting, loving person.

And in light of that, I know that I have lived an incredibly blessed 25 years.

But almost 10 months ago some major shifts occurred in my life and promptly threw everything I held so dear into a blender with some jagged rocks, burning tears and the bitterness that accompanies pure, honest confusion about what the hell just happened to my life.

(I'm not at all overly dramatic - but that's how it felt)

What happened? Well, I admit, it's nothing that millions of people haven't gone through before but it was a first for me - my nearly three year relationship ended and it felt like I had died inside (wait, what was I saying about not being overly dramatic?). 

Now just to put it out there, it wasn't some big, awful, malicious breakup. He and I are still friends and still love each other dearly. Of course there's a longer story there, but wait, where was I? Have I lost you yet?

Anyway, my point is that with everything that went down I decided to make the best of things. I decided that rather than focusing on what I had lost, I should focus on what I still had and what I had to gain from this situation. 

Not easy. 

But without doubt, the most amazing thing that happened for me was my love and desire to be closer to God was lit on fire! As it happened, my friend Jared (yes, the "ex", but really just one of my best friends) asked me if I'd like to go to church with him one night. He'd just started going to Solid Rock and knew that I'd dig it.

And I did. In a BIG way. It'd been a long time since I'd been to a church where I felt so... Connected. More on that in a future post though...

In growing with God, I've been holding myself much more accountable for my actions and emotions. I read a quote by Maya Angelou that said,

"A woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek him in order to find her."

And I decided that was it. That's what I wanted and that's what I needed.

Jared and I needed to break up in order for me to realize that. And to realize that I really needed to realign some priorities and put my God first, not my relationship. And that once I learned how to do that, maybe my relationship would change for the better.

So what made me stumble then? I let my jealousy get the better of me and I forgot to be like Christ. Things transpired in the months following our breakup and I got hurt a little more and a wall started to build up. I stopped trusting as much as let that loss of trust turn to suspicion and sadness. 

And bitterness crept in. And in that bitterness (which has stayed with me and, regrettably, continued to grow) I spoke about someone with anger and jealousy... And got caught. And then I felt like an ass. I was so ashamed and so overcome with guilt that I wanted to throw up, really. 

Much as I know my friends are trying to help when they say, "It's okay, you can't help how you feel!" I don't want to succumb to that. It's a cop out. It's too easy. 

And actually, I'm glad that I got caught in my mini-rant. It holds me accountable. And it made me realize that I'm not making myself feel any better by venting - I'm just risking hurting someone I care about more than myself by harboring such resentment and anger toward a friend of theirs. 

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If I'm going to be the woman I want so badly to be, I'm going to have to continue holding myself accountable. Holding myself to a higher standard (i.e. His standard... Seems like a no-brainer, right?). 

I desperately want to conquer these ugly emotions and I know that continuing to trust God is my best step toward that. I can pray that He will give me the strength to forgive and love, and pray that He will take from me the things that impede that; take those things that I might hurt someone else with. 

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Sometimes I wish that I could just ignore it all. Go ahead and be spiteful and vindictive (because let's be honest, those revenge fantasies are definitely fun sometimes). But honestly, it makes me so much happier to know that I have a loving God at my back to help me get closer to that person He wants me to be. He promised me that it would be hard, that I would be up against a lot, that I would be challenged but that no matter what, I could turn to Him when a burden gets too heavy. 

Help me be better. Help me be more like You. 

And please, when I stumble, remind me that you're right there to help me get back up again.