lent and such

Fast from emphasis on difference; feast on the unity of life.

Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of life.

Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.

Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.

Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.

Fast from anger; feast on patience.

Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.

Fast from worry; feast on divine order.

Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation

Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.

Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.

Fast from hostility; feast on forgiveness.

Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.

Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal truth.

Fast from discouragements; feast on hope.

Fast from facts that depress; feast on verities that uplift.

Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.

Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.

Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.

Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.

Peter Millar. Our Hearts Still Sing

(via Kate at Daffodil's)

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I can’t really claim that I was raised in church, per se. Growing up, I bounced around from a Baptist church, to a sort of congregational community church, to the non-denominational church I attended in London, dabbling in the Church of Christ (the church in which I was baptized at age 19), to finally finding my new home at Solid Rock.

Fortunately though, I was absolutely raised with God. Many of my fondest memories growing up – and still to this day – are of long conversations with my dad about our faith. And I can remember being very small, deciding I wanted to memorize a bible passage and my mom showing me Psalm 100. Hell, I even wrote my college admissions essay about the two things in life I was sure of: my parents’ love and God’s love.

(Little could I have known then how important the concept of love would come to be for me. But more on that some other time…)

Going to school at Pepperdine was very important to me. I knew it would be a place for me to learn more about faith (the good and, unfortunately, the bad that comes of belief and following a certain “religion”) (please know that when I talk about these things, I consider “faith” and “religion” to be two distinct things – one being the basis from which the other sprang, respectively).

One thing I began to learn about and embrace at school in particular was Lent. Of all the churches we attended as I grew up, a Catholic church was never one of them. But friends I had made at school (hi, Brigette!) had grown up Catholic and knew a little more about the concept that I did. And so for what it was worth, I began to dabble with it.

I think my favorite Lenten season was senior year when Brigette and I were eating like idiots (read: about 600-800 calories a day and working out like fiends) and decided that rather than deprive ourselves of one more thing, we should probably focus on adding something to our lives in order to make it richer. And so it was the year of “Reverse Lent” in which we, after chapel on Friday, would trek to the cafeteria and eat a donut. And think about God. Or just donuts, I'm not sure.

Now though, I understand Lent more and what it really means. The little vices that come to control our daily lives that can pull us away from the focus on the important things in life. And, in particular, the most important thing in life.

Even if you’re not a Christian, it’s a nice concept, don’t you think?

And so this year, I am giving up two things.

1)    Frivolous spending - Because I could be doing so much more with that “fun money” than buying another item of clothing I don’t need. I could be taking my friends out to dinner, or giving it to the church I love so much, or – whoa – saving it. In any case, I need to be more conscious of where my money goes.

2)    Worry – And that one, ladies and gentlemen, is the big one. I am an Olympic caliber worrier and would be willing to challenge anyone to a worry-match. I worry so much about things I have no control over that it will keep me up at night, terrified that my God won’t take care of me and doom me to some fate I’ve concocted in my mind.

In the poem above, it says, “Fast from worry; feast on divine order.” And so that is my resolve this Lenten season. And I can safely say it’s going to be the hardest thing in my life to give up because I catch myself slipping into the mire of anxiety so easily and oftentimes without even realizing it.

So God, if you’re reading this (haha, I know, I know), I'm going to be needing Your help on this one. You know my heart better than I know it myself and You’re going to have to hold on to me extra tight these next few weeks. You know how I toil and spin and live decidedly unlike the lilies of the field.

I'm also going to have to unload some of this worry on You now, so You can hold onto it for me. How about I give You worry and trade for some faith… Sound like a plan? Good.

Here are a few things I’ll be putting in your hands:

The state/fate of that thing I’ve been worrying about for almost a year

My best friend’s sanity

My other best friend’s job situaiton

Another best friend’s health

The health of an acquaintance battling something shattering

Yet another best friend’s own struggle with anxiety

The safe travel and homecoming of someone’s new family member

The safety of a friend getting ready to deploy

The safety of all those already over there

More of my worry about someone’s relationship with someone else

And if I think of anything else, I’ll let you know.

As soon as I can too, because I don’t want to hold onto it any longer than I should for fear of it starting to fester in my mind.

(my mind is to worry what a warm, damp environment is to various unsavory things that grow and mutate… ew)

-

So that’s the plan. I think it’s a rather good one at that.

What are you doing for Lent? What does it mean for you? I’d love to hear!

my name is hope

Joy.

Pure. Simple. Joy.

And peace.

These are the things that are so often (too often) overlooked because let's face it, negativity is a lot easier. 

But not today. Today has been... My God. Exactly what I've been praying for.

Wait! Pause! Let's take it back a bit...

So the other day when I saw that thing about worry I sent Jared a text because we had just been talking about that struggle. I told him that I finally realized just how dedicated God is to getting my attention and that basically He's trying to tell me something: my number is up. 

I no longer have the luxury of messing around with this life anymore. I need to stop taking advantage of God's patience with me and appreciate that He has been chasing me all these years, just waiting for me to turn around!

He gave me everything I ever wanted and then took it away, because He wanted to give me everything I need. And there, at my wit's end and when I felt like all of the inner resources I usually relied on were tapped out, there at the bottom of my own emotional hell - that's where He found me.

And now it's time for me to pick up my life, get over myself and work toward proving to Christ that I was worth dying for. 

(read: it's time for me to stop being such a spaz)

-

John Mark's book came out yesterday and I started reading it immediately. Why had I never realized that even the most faithful disciples, prophets, hell even Christ Himself felt worry and anxiety? Within the first few pages I could already tell this was yet another turning point in my life. 

So yesterday I made new resolves. New promises. To myself and to others.

And true to form, when I awoke this morning I felt that usual fear and worry try to creep in the very second my quiet, trusting subconscious wore off.

But I was prepared! I had John Mark's words in my heart:

1) Take every thought captive

2) Control your thoughts, or your thoughts will control you

3) Replace those negative thoughts with what you know is true

Want to know what I know is true?

The impossible has already happened.

The promise has already been fulfilled.

Christ came back from the dead and made good on everything He said He would.

And when I can remember that, it becomes easier to believe that whatever is hindering happiness in my own life is only me, and my own thoughts, dragging me down into an endless canyon of "what if?". 

Which, if you'll pardon me, is pure crap on my part.

This morning on my drive to work I decided to be happy (which I am most of the time - sickeningly joyful - optimistic too, so you better watch yourself if you're not into that kind of thing). I could feel the power of doubt trying to edge its way back in but I decided to ask God for a sign. 

I got two. 

I was still skeptical for some reason though. I still needed to test Him, or something ridiculous like that (oh yeah Lauren, test God, see how that works out for you...) but I held off as much as possible.

But as I walked up to Dean & Robin's to meet up for dinner, God put someone very dear to me in my heart and told me to just drop a quick line to say "hi".

I did. 

And the conversation that transpired over the next hour (yes, via text, because we're all tech savvy and such) proved to be that last bit of peace I was trying so hard not to ask for (but that He evidently knew I needed). 

The rest of the night has seen me with an elated heart. Between all of the things I've mentioned (as well as emails from blog friends that made me squeal with glee) I am going to bed smiling (though that may also have something to do with the fact that I'v got 30 Rock on here in the background and Liz Lemon is sining about cheese).

I know I will continue to trip and worry and doubt, but for right now?

Right now I've got peace. 

And then He got my attention...

I am a worrier.

I worry like there's no tomorrow.

In fact, I have such incredible worrying abilities that I get myself worked up to the point that it consumes me entirely and I end up falling apart.

Because that's healthy, right?

Oopmh.

A friend posted this image this morning and I'm pretty sure it's God reaching down and smacking me upside the head, trying so hard to get my attention. And I needed it because I woke up this morning with a head full of doubt and it's making for a rough day. 

Seriously, why can't I get over myself? By worrying so much I'm basically telling God that I don't trust Him with my life - the exact opposite of what I'm trying so desperately to do! I want so badly to take my life and put it entirely in His hands but my worry is holding me back. 

My friend Jared and I were talking last night about the things we struggle with the most. For me, it's this. For him, it's anxiety. He pointed out that those two things probably aren't so different from one another and I have to agree - both are just another way to not trust our God (even when He has given us every reason in the world to do so!)

So what's our deal?

Not just Jared and me, but everyone who struggles with this kind of thing. Why are we so damn hesitant to trust? I mean my God (literally), even when things in my life have gone all pear-shaped, He has never failed me. He has given, He has taken away and when I do get over myself and leave it in His hands, there He is! Waiting for me to accept the grace He has given me.

Unbelievable! I'm such an idiot to be second guessing things so much. 

And so with all this in mind I will continue working on becoming the woman I want to be - the woman He wants me to be.

I'll also keep in mind what John Mark (the lead pastor at my church) said:

"Anxiety is temporary atheism."

Yup.