"reaching out for a miracle"

Friends, I have a huge favor to ask of you all...

I have been blown away and inspired by the faith and strength of the women I've been fortunate enough to know in this little sphere of ours. 

So many have you have been faced with seemingly insurmountable odds, and yet your faith has not faltered. You have used the immense power of trust in God, and prayer to change reality and have seen the light at the end of even the longest tunnels.

And so I am extending that power, that community of support, to a friend of mine - if you would be willing to help.

-

Lissa and her husband Matt (and sweet baby Emily) go to church at Solid Rock with me. Though we only met a short time ago, you know within about 30 seconds of meeting them that they are the kind of people you want in your life. Their faith, generous spirits and sweet manner just envelope you. 

I  have simply copied an email Lissa sent out to our little house church hoping that passing it along will help create a giant net of prayer and support. 

We have all seen the power of prayer. We know it is the most vital tool we have. 

Please, if you get a chance, think of this amazing family in their time of need. I will pass along all comments and emails to Lissa.

I know it will mean the world to her.

grace + peace

________________________

Dear Church Family,

God intends for us to live in community, so I feel it is appropriate to share a burden that has been on my heart, and to ask for your prayer, knowing that God's got way bigger plans than anything I can figure out on my own.

My mom (her name is Anne) lives alone in Port Townsend, Washington. She raised me and my younger brother by herself after my dad left when I eleven. It was very important to her to be able to be at home for us and home school us, and that didn't change, amazingly, even after my dad left. We lived off very little with alimony and child support, but somehow, she always managed to make sure we had great opportunities and fun activities. I learned so much about faith during that time and how God is our provider no matter what, whether we are "earning" our income or He is providing it thoroughly through grace.

My mom, for the last 28 years, has also had to work around the trials and limitations of having chemical sensitivities. Around the time I was born, she became violently ill and became unable to handle being in proximity to chemicals of any kind. At first this was extreme--even car exhaust would cause her to have seizures. Today, she is doing significantly better, but still has adverse neurological reactions to things like garden fertilizer, week killer, and Lysol. This is part of the reason that she is living in Port Townsend, since it is a fairly environmentally conscious town, even though she would love very much to live closer to us especially with her first grandchild growing up so quickly. Chemical sensitivities, while listed with Americans with Disabilities for years, is largely not understood, and because of this, not much is ever done in the way of making the world a "safer" place for my mom.

The reason I am writing today is that my mom is literally going to be out of money this month or next (I think--she is never specific with this). When I say out, I mean completely out. She has been looking for a job for the last year to no avail. Part of the problem is that she would have to work in a place that could work around her limitations. The other problem is that she has limited qualifications since she has been out of the work place so long (she is a teacher--a really good one too). She also feels that the fact that she is 62 isn't helping the job prospects any.

Even in this, she has so much faith, and I am continually amazed by her. I want so badly to be able to help her, but even if I said she could move in with me, I don't think she would be able to live at my home (except maybe in the fall and winter) since I see so many of my neighbors spray their yards on an ongoing regular basis. Our own finances are tight, so moving to a different place that might be better for her where she could live with us is not really an option right now. And even then (this may sound bad) but I don't think living in the same house with my mom long term would be very good for our marriage. Still, though, I want to be able to help since she is my mom and I want to make sure she is going to be okay.

What I am asking is for prayer and for you to please send this email to anyone that God might be laying on your heart to share it with. I am not writing this to "force" a favor. I know God will ultimately take care of her. But you never know exactly how He will do it. So I am getting her story out there. You never know who's heart God may be preparing for exactly this kind of ministry opportunity.

Thank you for taking the time to read this...

Grace and Peace to you all,

Lissa

who i want to be

“Women who hope in God are women who look away from the troubles & miseries and obstacles of life that seem to make the future bleak, and they focus their attention on the sovereign power and love of God who rules in heaven and does on earth whatever He pleases.”


- John Piper -

bind my wandering heart to thee

At first, I wasn't sure whether or not to post this. 

I argued a couple different points to myself thinking "no, it's too personal" and "will people think I'm a total nut?". But ultimately, I realized that the reason I started this blog was to lay it all out, document this time in my life and in my faith, and share experiences hoping others will share theirs as well. 

And so with that, I'd like to share something I wrote in the early hours of Tuesday, 3 April 2012. I wrote this without thinking about the words pouring out, just opened a document and began typing, not wanting to forget what I felt like in that very moment. 

A simple telephone call out of the blue had, in so many ways, been a prayer for peace answered and the reassurance from God that if I could just let go of a situation and trust Him more than I wanted to - but so desperately needed to - amazing things would happen. 

So, if you'd like to read...

-

I am overwhelmed. I am completely consumed with disbelief in my believing how great God is and how He hears us and listens to us and answers our prayers, however long it takes. I am beside myself with such great joy that I don't know what to do, I can feel it bordering on something else entirely, completely overtaken with something I don't think I've ever experienced quite like this. I have no words. I am lost for them. Out of nowhere, complete nothingness, He calls my bluffs, He calls ME to stop doubting and stop fearing and when I tell Him that I can't, I just can't do it without Him, He hears me, in that honesty and childlike fear and hopelessness in everything but Him, and answers that call for help that only He can deliver. I don't know what to do. In the best way. On the outside it would seem that I've hit bottom, and maybe I have. Maybe this is what bottom looks like, because it is far too often that it's at that bottom He finds us and finally picks us up. 

I never want to forget what this feels like, even if things turn entirely the other way again, I want to hold on to this, this moment of perfect faith in Him, perfect so far as I can tell, on this level, in this human, imperfect and yet beautiful life. I don't know what I did to deserve this relief, no doubt it was nothing because I know what I deserve and it is certainly not relief, but grace... Oh, sweet, perfect grace, I can't repay. 

This is what falling in love feels like. 

Oh God... Thank you. 

okay.

If you want a bit of a preface for this post, this would be a good place to start. 

If you want to just dive right into a pile of what it would look like if I took the contents of my brain, threw it in a blender with some blueberry yogurt and a handful of psychosis and topped it with a cherry, by all means...

-

How do you learn to just say that one little word:

okay.

How do you access the faith to be handed something so seemingly insurmountable and just take a deep breath of acceptance?

How did Jessi do it?

How did Diane do it?

How did Christ himself do it when he learned his entire purpose on this earth was to die hanging on a cross with nails in his hands and thorns on his head?

Short answer:

I have no idea. 

Long answer:

I lied. I do have an idea. And the answer is a pretty good one at that. The only problem is that it's not an easy answer.

And though by no means have I experienced loss on the same levels as the women I mentioned, there is no standard yardstick to measure pain and loss. We each feel it in our own ways. 

-

How do you separate what you want from what you want to want?

And when you are having trouble wanting that thing you want to want, how can you be sure that you're trusting your faith and saying "okay", and not just giving up?

Blerg. 

I've spent the past year learning more about my faith, learning more about why I believe, and learning how to adjust my thought process from thinking of my life solely as my own to knowing I want to live my life for something Greater. But with that has come the reluctance to release the reigns, so to speak. I spent so long thinking that it was all up to me that I developed a stubborn streak.

Now that stubborn streak is rising up, building to some cataclysmic end - or so I hope, anyway. Because I want that streak gone. I want to stop trying to control everything going on in my life, hoping I can change things to fit my own selfish wants and needs. I want to be able to, for the first time in my life, believe fully that God will take this one from me and do a far better job fixing it than I could. I want to trust Him completely. 

I want to say "okay" and mean it. 

How do I do that? 

If I want it so badly, and pray for it so fervently, why am I not filled with the peace of that kind of trust?

I see these women all around who are faced with something gut-wrenching and yet they are not to be broken. They take what has been hurled at them, they feel it, they seem to accept it and say okay. 

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

-

The thing that frightened me the most in the world happened almost one year ago.

It was something I thought would break me to pieces (and trust me, it came close) but on the contrary, I can feel it made me stronger. It brought me out of a shadow I didn't even realize I was living in and brought me closer to a God I want to trust with all my heart. 

I want to love God more than anything and I want to have faith that He will not let me fall. 

I want to say okay.  

KONY 2012

I've been slow on the uptake.

It wasn't until last night that I finally took the time to learn more about this name I was seeing floating around:

KONY. 

Who?

Exactly.

My days have been ticking blissfully by, not knowing the name of the man who is literally the world's #1 war criminal.

And then I watched this video.

30 minutes have never seemed quite like 30 seconds before. 

If there's ever been a bandwagon worth jumping on, this is it.

We wonder why bad things happen. We wonder why no one does anything. We wonder how, in 2012, this is still happening.

Will it always be like this?

Maybe.

But is this our opportunity for hope? 

Absolutely. 

-

John Mark and his wife Tammy are in Uganda as I type this.

They are awaiting further word on whether or not the judge will grant them their adoption of their daughter.

One more child who has a chance to get out of that world and into a family, and a church, that already loves her more than they can bear. 

-

Prayer changes reality.

If nothing else, if you are unable to do anything else...

Pray.

To whoever you believe is listening.

Pray for the children. Pray for John Mark and Tammy. Pray for their daughter. Pray for the men and women fighting for justice. Pray for the cause.

And you know what?

Pray for Kony.

Because in its own way, it is heartbreaking that any human being could become the monster that he is.

And because the only true weapon against evil is goodness. 

Pray that, even in the last instant, this man might see the egregious error of his ways. 

Because if no one tries, nothing will change. 

wild geese

Wild Geese
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
--Mary Oliver, Dream Work

we are blessed.

If you're anything like me, you are constantly writing things in your mind.

I call this the "elusive first draft".

Anything I get down on paper (or screen, as it were) is the second coming of those thoughts and, regrettably, never as good as that first edition in my head.

Henry Miller talks about it at some length in Sexus. And I would venture that every writer knows exactly what I'm talking about.

We write these manifestos in our thoughts, literary perfection occurs in the folds of our frenetic brains and then... No. There's no translating it into physical, tangible words. That initial draft is gone forever.

But that's okay, I think. Frustrating yes, I'm not going to deny that, but in some cases I'm completely at ease with knowing that God and I are the only ones who heard that pure, honest version of what I then say to everyone else.

It's kind of special, actually. 

So just to let you know, I "wrote" this on my walk home from coffee this morning. Hope you guys still get something out of this revised version.

My point today though is not to bemoan the writer's "curse", but to talk about blessings.

Diane Comer (John Mark's mom, Phil's wife) writes the blog He Speaks In The Silence (please, I implore you to go read it, it is amazing) and she recently wrote this beautiful post about life's hidden blessings. I often make the "mistake" of reading her words at work when things are slow, but this often ends in me with tears welling my eyes, feeling like I'm giving Kristen Bell a run for her money.

Do you know what I mean? I read her blog and feel my heart so full of joy and faith that I am overcome with emotion (which must be a real comfort to the folks coming into the tasting room where I work looking for a tranquil wine country setting  "Hi folks, don't mind me, I'm just here to make you uncomfortable apparently.")

Anyway, she prompts her readers to look for those hidden things in life - those blessings that too often go overlooked. 

"Dare I search?

For clues to trails

which lead to all He has for me?

Wake up each day with this in mind,

this quest to find His good things stored for me?

Dare I try?

To see those gifts hidden here,

stored up there,

tucked in moments everywhere?

Because if it’s true that changes everything!

From my heart,

Diane

What are some of those good things He’s shown you recently? Any surprises? Would you let us in on your joy?"

Back in September, when I turned twenty-five, I took a cue from my sweet friend Heidi (whose faith was tested in one of the biggest ways possible a couple years back, you can read about it on her blog!) and began a series on my main blog Happenstance & Wanderlust called "Weekly Gratitude".

 I simply take a moment at the beginning of each new week to be grateful for all He has done in and for my life. And I can tell you, if counting your blessings is contagious, this one's spreading like wildfire! My loves Brigette, Robin and Catherine soon began their own WG posts as well, and reading them became my new favorite hobby. 

I love reading about what makes people live.

In reading My Name Is Hope I am continually struck by how John Mark, who writes of the hell he went through, is so determinedly positive and hopeful. It's no facade - he dug up the root of the problem and, with so much love and support, came out the other side and sees his life for what it truly is: a gift. And how can we be anything but eternally thankful for a gift as powerful and amazing as life itself?

In my note to Diane at the bottom of her post, I mentioned to her what I've already said on here: I am finally realizing that in taking away everything I wanted, God is giving me everything I need. When that one hit me it was like every light in the universe went off in my mind.

The great and powerful duh, if you will. 

I had spent so much time wondering why God decided that Jared and I shouldn't be in a relationship right now (when I had been so grateful! I thanked Him every day for this amazing man He brought into my life! I couldn't believe how happy I was! And He took it away! The nerve!).

Why didn't I trust Him? Why was I so arrogant to think that my plan was so much better than His? 

Well, in part because I'm human. 

And I worry all the time.

(There's a Sundowner song called "Endless Miles" with the lyrics:

"Anxiety is my old friend/I always hate seeing him again"

Jared and I laughed at that once in light of how unfortunately familiar we are with that feeling.)

But still, that feeling of betrayal by the God I had worked so hard to thank was very confusing. And I couldn't for the life of me get my stupid head to understand what He was doing in my life (because I'm stubborn as an ass). 

Then, sitting in church this past Sunday, that little (read: huge) light when on and the past 10 months of struggling, battling my heart and soul, trying to find an answer, saw the fog lift. 

God is constantly chasing us down. He is on the move, keeping up with us every step of the way, never faltering when we take Him through the dangerous territories of our lives, and he's waiting; He is just waiting for us to turn around and see Him standing there, waiting for us to lay down our burdens and take up our cross.

I was so busy lamenting how I'd lost hold of everything I'd ever wanted that I didn't see how I already had everything I needed.

My family.

My friends. 

My God.

When I lost that little control over my happiness (and as a result, feeling like I'd lost control over my life) I thought I was weak because for the first time, sh*t had hit the fan and I  couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was used to taking care of myself that way.

But finally, He knew I needed to let go of the reigns a little bit and put it all in His loving and capable hands.

He gave me the love of my family (which I knew I always had), the support of my friends (which I knew was always there), an unyielding friendship in Jared (which was the foundation that could not be shaken, but needed strengthening) and the protection of His own arms (which was never in doubt, but had never been in such dire need).

And with that, He finally gave me what I had really been wanting (needing) - the strength to give it all up to Him. 

Honestly, I have no idea if I'm getting to the point I'm trying to make but things are getting awfully loquacious here so let me just cut to the chase:

I am so ready to lay down my burdens, take up my cross and stop worrying so damn much because even when I'm not "happy", I know I am blessed.

So very blessed. 

It's a constant struggle to keep my barriers down, remain vulnerable to Him while remaining hardened against the enemy (worry, anxiety, sin, doubt, etc.) but there is not reason I cannot do this.

And while I could wrap with a nod to Bob Dylan, since his words kind of inspired this post to begin with, I'm choosing a wildly different route.

Kyrie elaison. 

Lord, have mercy.

What are you thankful for? 

How are you blessed?

it's always darkest before the dawn

"And I am done with my graceless heart,

so tonight I'm going to cut it out

and then restart..."

-

So I've probably listened to this song about two dozen times today.

No joke.

I heard it for the first time a the other night and from the first time through it was like that shot "aimed right at my throat" (in the best way possible) (no really, there's a good way for that to happen, trust me on this one).

Every day God is giving me new opportunities to restart - to recognize something not quite right in my life and make a change for the better. In doing that, I swear to you, I can feel a lightening in myself; I truly feel like I am becoming a more honest, more solid and more vulnerable version of me.

And yes, I realize that word "vulnerable" may sound bad but I  mean that in the most amazing way: I am finally allowing myself to be vulnerable in that I am open to what the Spirit wants to do in my life. And it feels incredible.

(It makes me think of a line in the movie King Arthur where Lancelot is questioning Arthur's faith saying something to the effect of, "I don't trust any god that brings a man to his knees." To which Arthur responds, "No man fears to kneel before a God he trusts.")

If you've ever meandered through these here interwebs, you may know that I have this theory about music - I don't think music should be defined as "Christian" or "secular", as if the two are mutually exclusive. In fact, most of the songs that make me feel closest to God are probably not intended to have that effect on someone at all. 

"Shake It Out" is no exception.

The lyrics at the top of this little blip were what initially caught my attention. I was talking with my friend Mari last night at dinner about how I had never really thought about what incredible pertinence there is in Resurrection - not just in the actual Resurrection, but in the starting over that occurs in everyday life. Every day - hell, every second - is a chance to break from the old and start anew. And with those lyrics, I absolutely LOVE the imagery of deciding to be done with old ways, that "graceless heart", and to cut it out. 

To me, this song speaks not of having regrets for the past - never regret anything that has shaped you into the person you are - but the beautiful experience of recognizing that you want to change something about your life (and realizing that while something or Someone could have inspired you to do so, it's within your power to actually buck up and make the change). 

-

"And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope..."

In a totally non-dramatic way (I hope), that's the lyric that sums it up. That explains what I am finally ready to do in my life. 

I am ready to put to death the things, the feelings, the mindsets that have been holding me back from the kind of happiness I've really been praying for all these years. 

It has been, and will continue to be, hard (as He promised it would be), but I know the hope and the happiness that were also promised will be worth it all.

"It's always darkest before the dawn - shake it out..."

-

Here is another live performance of the same song (because I couldn't decide which version was my favorite)

And this one is just so pure. How amazing would it be to open your mouth and have that voice come out?!

my name is hope

Joy.

Pure. Simple. Joy.

And peace.

These are the things that are so often (too often) overlooked because let's face it, negativity is a lot easier. 

But not today. Today has been... My God. Exactly what I've been praying for.

Wait! Pause! Let's take it back a bit...

So the other day when I saw that thing about worry I sent Jared a text because we had just been talking about that struggle. I told him that I finally realized just how dedicated God is to getting my attention and that basically He's trying to tell me something: my number is up. 

I no longer have the luxury of messing around with this life anymore. I need to stop taking advantage of God's patience with me and appreciate that He has been chasing me all these years, just waiting for me to turn around!

He gave me everything I ever wanted and then took it away, because He wanted to give me everything I need. And there, at my wit's end and when I felt like all of the inner resources I usually relied on were tapped out, there at the bottom of my own emotional hell - that's where He found me.

And now it's time for me to pick up my life, get over myself and work toward proving to Christ that I was worth dying for. 

(read: it's time for me to stop being such a spaz)

-

John Mark's book came out yesterday and I started reading it immediately. Why had I never realized that even the most faithful disciples, prophets, hell even Christ Himself felt worry and anxiety? Within the first few pages I could already tell this was yet another turning point in my life. 

So yesterday I made new resolves. New promises. To myself and to others.

And true to form, when I awoke this morning I felt that usual fear and worry try to creep in the very second my quiet, trusting subconscious wore off.

But I was prepared! I had John Mark's words in my heart:

1) Take every thought captive

2) Control your thoughts, or your thoughts will control you

3) Replace those negative thoughts with what you know is true

Want to know what I know is true?

The impossible has already happened.

The promise has already been fulfilled.

Christ came back from the dead and made good on everything He said He would.

And when I can remember that, it becomes easier to believe that whatever is hindering happiness in my own life is only me, and my own thoughts, dragging me down into an endless canyon of "what if?". 

Which, if you'll pardon me, is pure crap on my part.

This morning on my drive to work I decided to be happy (which I am most of the time - sickeningly joyful - optimistic too, so you better watch yourself if you're not into that kind of thing). I could feel the power of doubt trying to edge its way back in but I decided to ask God for a sign. 

I got two. 

I was still skeptical for some reason though. I still needed to test Him, or something ridiculous like that (oh yeah Lauren, test God, see how that works out for you...) but I held off as much as possible.

But as I walked up to Dean & Robin's to meet up for dinner, God put someone very dear to me in my heart and told me to just drop a quick line to say "hi".

I did. 

And the conversation that transpired over the next hour (yes, via text, because we're all tech savvy and such) proved to be that last bit of peace I was trying so hard not to ask for (but that He evidently knew I needed). 

The rest of the night has seen me with an elated heart. Between all of the things I've mentioned (as well as emails from blog friends that made me squeal with glee) I am going to bed smiling (though that may also have something to do with the fact that I'v got 30 Rock on here in the background and Liz Lemon is sining about cheese).

I know I will continue to trip and worry and doubt, but for right now?

Right now I've got peace.