we are blessed.

If you're anything like me, you are constantly writing things in your mind.

I call this the "elusive first draft".

Anything I get down on paper (or screen, as it were) is the second coming of those thoughts and, regrettably, never as good as that first edition in my head.

Henry Miller talks about it at some length in Sexus. And I would venture that every writer knows exactly what I'm talking about.

We write these manifestos in our thoughts, literary perfection occurs in the folds of our frenetic brains and then... No. There's no translating it into physical, tangible words. That initial draft is gone forever.

But that's okay, I think. Frustrating yes, I'm not going to deny that, but in some cases I'm completely at ease with knowing that God and I are the only ones who heard that pure, honest version of what I then say to everyone else.

It's kind of special, actually. 

So just to let you know, I "wrote" this on my walk home from coffee this morning. Hope you guys still get something out of this revised version.

My point today though is not to bemoan the writer's "curse", but to talk about blessings.

Diane Comer (John Mark's mom, Phil's wife) writes the blog He Speaks In The Silence (please, I implore you to go read it, it is amazing) and she recently wrote this beautiful post about life's hidden blessings. I often make the "mistake" of reading her words at work when things are slow, but this often ends in me with tears welling my eyes, feeling like I'm giving Kristen Bell a run for her money.

Do you know what I mean? I read her blog and feel my heart so full of joy and faith that I am overcome with emotion (which must be a real comfort to the folks coming into the tasting room where I work looking for a tranquil wine country setting  "Hi folks, don't mind me, I'm just here to make you uncomfortable apparently.")

Anyway, she prompts her readers to look for those hidden things in life - those blessings that too often go overlooked. 

"Dare I search?

For clues to trails

which lead to all He has for me?

Wake up each day with this in mind,

this quest to find His good things stored for me?

Dare I try?

To see those gifts hidden here,

stored up there,

tucked in moments everywhere?

Because if it’s true that changes everything!

From my heart,

Diane

What are some of those good things He’s shown you recently? Any surprises? Would you let us in on your joy?"

Back in September, when I turned twenty-five, I took a cue from my sweet friend Heidi (whose faith was tested in one of the biggest ways possible a couple years back, you can read about it on her blog!) and began a series on my main blog Happenstance & Wanderlust called "Weekly Gratitude".

 I simply take a moment at the beginning of each new week to be grateful for all He has done in and for my life. And I can tell you, if counting your blessings is contagious, this one's spreading like wildfire! My loves Brigette, Robin and Catherine soon began their own WG posts as well, and reading them became my new favorite hobby. 

I love reading about what makes people live.

In reading My Name Is Hope I am continually struck by how John Mark, who writes of the hell he went through, is so determinedly positive and hopeful. It's no facade - he dug up the root of the problem and, with so much love and support, came out the other side and sees his life for what it truly is: a gift. And how can we be anything but eternally thankful for a gift as powerful and amazing as life itself?

In my note to Diane at the bottom of her post, I mentioned to her what I've already said on here: I am finally realizing that in taking away everything I wanted, God is giving me everything I need. When that one hit me it was like every light in the universe went off in my mind.

The great and powerful duh, if you will. 

I had spent so much time wondering why God decided that Jared and I shouldn't be in a relationship right now (when I had been so grateful! I thanked Him every day for this amazing man He brought into my life! I couldn't believe how happy I was! And He took it away! The nerve!).

Why didn't I trust Him? Why was I so arrogant to think that my plan was so much better than His? 

Well, in part because I'm human. 

And I worry all the time.

(There's a Sundowner song called "Endless Miles" with the lyrics:

"Anxiety is my old friend/I always hate seeing him again"

Jared and I laughed at that once in light of how unfortunately familiar we are with that feeling.)

But still, that feeling of betrayal by the God I had worked so hard to thank was very confusing. And I couldn't for the life of me get my stupid head to understand what He was doing in my life (because I'm stubborn as an ass). 

Then, sitting in church this past Sunday, that little (read: huge) light when on and the past 10 months of struggling, battling my heart and soul, trying to find an answer, saw the fog lift. 

God is constantly chasing us down. He is on the move, keeping up with us every step of the way, never faltering when we take Him through the dangerous territories of our lives, and he's waiting; He is just waiting for us to turn around and see Him standing there, waiting for us to lay down our burdens and take up our cross.

I was so busy lamenting how I'd lost hold of everything I'd ever wanted that I didn't see how I already had everything I needed.

My family.

My friends. 

My God.

When I lost that little control over my happiness (and as a result, feeling like I'd lost control over my life) I thought I was weak because for the first time, sh*t had hit the fan and I  couldn't do a damn thing about it. I was used to taking care of myself that way.

But finally, He knew I needed to let go of the reigns a little bit and put it all in His loving and capable hands.

He gave me the love of my family (which I knew I always had), the support of my friends (which I knew was always there), an unyielding friendship in Jared (which was the foundation that could not be shaken, but needed strengthening) and the protection of His own arms (which was never in doubt, but had never been in such dire need).

And with that, He finally gave me what I had really been wanting (needing) - the strength to give it all up to Him. 

Honestly, I have no idea if I'm getting to the point I'm trying to make but things are getting awfully loquacious here so let me just cut to the chase:

I am so ready to lay down my burdens, take up my cross and stop worrying so damn much because even when I'm not "happy", I know I am blessed.

So very blessed. 

It's a constant struggle to keep my barriers down, remain vulnerable to Him while remaining hardened against the enemy (worry, anxiety, sin, doubt, etc.) but there is not reason I cannot do this.

And while I could wrap with a nod to Bob Dylan, since his words kind of inspired this post to begin with, I'm choosing a wildly different route.

Kyrie elaison. 

Lord, have mercy.

What are you thankful for? 

How are you blessed?