okay.

If you want a bit of a preface for this post, this would be a good place to start. 

If you want to just dive right into a pile of what it would look like if I took the contents of my brain, threw it in a blender with some blueberry yogurt and a handful of psychosis and topped it with a cherry, by all means...

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How do you learn to just say that one little word:

okay.

How do you access the faith to be handed something so seemingly insurmountable and just take a deep breath of acceptance?

How did Jessi do it?

How did Diane do it?

How did Christ himself do it when he learned his entire purpose on this earth was to die hanging on a cross with nails in his hands and thorns on his head?

Short answer:

I have no idea. 

Long answer:

I lied. I do have an idea. And the answer is a pretty good one at that. The only problem is that it's not an easy answer.

And though by no means have I experienced loss on the same levels as the women I mentioned, there is no standard yardstick to measure pain and loss. We each feel it in our own ways. 

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How do you separate what you want from what you want to want?

And when you are having trouble wanting that thing you want to want, how can you be sure that you're trusting your faith and saying "okay", and not just giving up?

Blerg. 

I've spent the past year learning more about my faith, learning more about why I believe, and learning how to adjust my thought process from thinking of my life solely as my own to knowing I want to live my life for something Greater. But with that has come the reluctance to release the reigns, so to speak. I spent so long thinking that it was all up to me that I developed a stubborn streak.

Now that stubborn streak is rising up, building to some cataclysmic end - or so I hope, anyway. Because I want that streak gone. I want to stop trying to control everything going on in my life, hoping I can change things to fit my own selfish wants and needs. I want to be able to, for the first time in my life, believe fully that God will take this one from me and do a far better job fixing it than I could. I want to trust Him completely. 

I want to say "okay" and mean it. 

How do I do that? 

If I want it so badly, and pray for it so fervently, why am I not filled with the peace of that kind of trust?

I see these women all around who are faced with something gut-wrenching and yet they are not to be broken. They take what has been hurled at them, they feel it, they seem to accept it and say okay. 

HOW DO YOU DO THAT?

-

The thing that frightened me the most in the world happened almost one year ago.

It was something I thought would break me to pieces (and trust me, it came close) but on the contrary, I can feel it made me stronger. It brought me out of a shadow I didn't even realize I was living in and brought me closer to a God I want to trust with all my heart. 

I want to love God more than anything and I want to have faith that He will not let me fall. 

I want to say okay.  

an email on a rainy day

Hi Boo,

Just a moment to focus on you..and say how much I thank God for His entrusting your birth, and subsequent life to me. Remember what I have said before...a parent's  most important charge is to get their children to heaven. Let's get going!

Love,

Dad-n

-

Do I have an amazing Dad or what?

KONY 2012

I've been slow on the uptake.

It wasn't until last night that I finally took the time to learn more about this name I was seeing floating around:

KONY. 

Who?

Exactly.

My days have been ticking blissfully by, not knowing the name of the man who is literally the world's #1 war criminal.

And then I watched this video.

30 minutes have never seemed quite like 30 seconds before. 

If there's ever been a bandwagon worth jumping on, this is it.

We wonder why bad things happen. We wonder why no one does anything. We wonder how, in 2012, this is still happening.

Will it always be like this?

Maybe.

But is this our opportunity for hope? 

Absolutely. 

-

John Mark and his wife Tammy are in Uganda as I type this.

They are awaiting further word on whether or not the judge will grant them their adoption of their daughter.

One more child who has a chance to get out of that world and into a family, and a church, that already loves her more than they can bear. 

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Prayer changes reality.

If nothing else, if you are unable to do anything else...

Pray.

To whoever you believe is listening.

Pray for the children. Pray for John Mark and Tammy. Pray for their daughter. Pray for the men and women fighting for justice. Pray for the cause.

And you know what?

Pray for Kony.

Because in its own way, it is heartbreaking that any human being could become the monster that he is.

And because the only true weapon against evil is goodness. 

Pray that, even in the last instant, this man might see the egregious error of his ways. 

Because if no one tries, nothing will change. 

an open letter

Dear Satan,

Just a quick note to let you know one thing: I'm on to you.

I know what you've been up to. I know that you're trying to bring me down. I know that you would love nothing more than to see me in ruins, broken, and turning my back on everything I hold dear and know to be true.

Well guess what?

It's not going to work.

You're fighting a losing battle.

That war has already been won. The victory has already been claimed. And to the victor has gone the spoils - my heart belongs to God. 

Don't you dare think for one second that I don't see you there, lurking in the darkest corners of my world, waiting to see if I'll take the bait; waiting to pounce when my defenses are at their weakest. 

Shows how little you know. 

No seriously, it just goes to show how truly small you are.

Don't you know that I am protected at all times? Do you really not realize that even when my guard is down, and my shield has been lowered, that there is a fierce defender at my back? One who watches over me, holds me in the palm of his hand and has promised to take care of me.

And you know what the kicker is? Every promise he has ever made me has been kept. 

Unlike you, great deceiver that you are, who takes pleasure in watching the failings of your word bring down soul after soul. Your callousness is matched by only one thing in this world:

His LOVE.

Anyway, I just thought it was high time you knew that your tricks won't work on me anymore. I know what you're trying to do by setting up these perfect opportunities to turn from the God I trust. And now that I know that, I can do the worst thing you could ever imagine - continue to love and trust my God. 

You will not break me. 

I will not give up. 

Nothing will tear me from the arms of the One who has kept me, not because of anything I have done, but because of EVERYTHING he has done. 

For me.

By grace.

-

You know, I feel sorry for you. 

I do.

Because you had that once. And you chose to throw it all away. 

What good has that done you? Do you not even appreciate the irony of it all? I mean, you must realize that we all know you're the most miserable creature in all of hell. We know how you must suffer, being so far from something so good. 

Of course, anyone would suffer knowing they will inevitably lose. Because I hate to break it to you, but good will always win out over evil. Always. 

Want to know why? 

Because the one thing I know for sure is that God is all powerful. God is Almighty. God is EVERYTHING.

And you, quite simply, are not. 

You are where you are because He put you there. 

What power do you think you have over that?

(I'll give you a hint: none)

So like I said, I just wanted to let you know that your sick plan isn't going to work. I've got the most powerful defense in the whole of the universe: Him. 

And there ain't nothing you can do to stop THAT. 

(Don't even try - you know how well that's gone for you in the past)

So I guess that's all I had to say. I'll let you get back to whatever it is you think you can do.

Oh, and one more thing?

Shove it.

Sincerely, 

Lauren

{guest post} kate from "daffodil's"

When I started blogging back in 2009, it was for my family. I had moved to another state and wanted a way to share my new life with everyone back home. It never occurred to me that there was a community out there and friends to be made!

About a year ago I began blogging more earnestly and in that got to know my fellow bloggers. Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful Kate was one of those bloggers. Through sweet comments and heartfelt emails, she and I quickly found a wonderful and honest friendship that includes a love of love, a love of photography, a love of cute babies (seriously, have you seen her boys?) and a love of God (oh, and she is constantly posting pictures of everything I miss about California - and trust me, it takes a special kind of person to make me miss California!).

Something that it was always amazingly easy to talk to Kate about was faith. When I began opening up more about my own journey on my other blog Happenstance & Wanderlust, she was always an incredible champion; always there with words of encouragement and ceaseless support. 

And so today, I am truly beyond thrilled to let you all in on what she has been so kind to share! Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart! And while I'm at it, thank you Kevin (Kate's husband) for all you've done and continue to do for our country!

Be sure to check out Daffodil's to get to know this awesome lady! 

-

Celebrating our little miracles: our first picture as a family of 4

Here is the truth:


I don't like talking about religion. It makes me uncomfortable- like sweaty palms, pit in my stomach, please-don't-ask-me-a-question-I-don't-know-the-answer-to uncomfortable. But the other truth is, I love what Lauren has to say. I love her blog, I love this blog, I love the friendship that has evolved between us over email and I love that her request that I come here to post today did not make me uncomfortable, it actually made me really excited. So because I have never really written about my faith {in a public forum} before and because there is still that part of me that is scared to do it, this may come off as a bit rambling, but I am honored to give my insight a shot here, in this space.

Why Religion Matters to Me {it felt right to start with a title}

I am what you call a cradle Catholic. I grew up Catholic, I spent 3rd-12th grade in Catholic school, both my parents and everyone in my extended family is Catholic; my husband is Catholic and we have had both our boys baptised in the Catholic faith, But I actually don't know a lot about Catholicism. If you ask me to name the intrinsic differences between Catholicism and other Christan faiths, I could probably give you a general idea, but no specifics. If you ask me to name my favorite bible quote, I cannot give you the exact chapter or verse. If you want me to convert you, I will not be able to give you the particular reason while you should.

*****

BUT there are things I can tell you: Catholicism works for me. We are a military family and that means we move a lot. It means my hubby has deployed to Iraq {twice} and that means our 'home' church is not the one we are likely to end up in. However, what I like about my faith is that no matter where I go, the ritual of mass is the same. I know I can walk in any Catholic church and know the order of things, the responses and I can hear my {and my mom's} favorite part: free us from needless worry and anxiety. 

*****

When I was 22 and engaged, the thought of getting married, and saying the most personal words that I could ever say in front of 300 people was terrifying. I wanted to get married at the courthouse and then have a party. My finance (only 25 at the time) reminded me how important it was to share this moment with God, and that really, it was just between us 3. We were making the sacrament of marriage and we needed to recognize it front of God for it really to be solidified. 


Our marriage was a sort of leap of faith. We dated long distance and then found out 3 months into our {6 month long} engagement that he got the one assigment we begged God not to give us, which landed him back in Iraq shortly after our planned wedding. 

*****

Making our commitment to each other and to God

So, we had our church wedding. Six weeks later, he left. It was hard. Fifteen months later, he came home and we moved in together for the first time. A month later, I found out I was pregnant with our first baby. Two years and a month later, I found out I was pregnant with our second.

*****

If God had answered our prayers we wouldn't be the family we are today. If he had let me move down to Savannah without feeling that 'Catholic guilt' of moving for a boyfriend, we might not have realized just how much we wanted to be together. If he had granted our desire to move to an Army post together first, then we would have never been stationed in Winston, and met the wonderful friends we met there. I wouldn't have gotten pregnant wtih our sweet Cullen, and subsequently, our baby Bennett, and well, I would have never re-met the friend {sorority sister} who introduced me blogging.


If he didn't get that assignment that we prayed so hard for him not to get, we wouldn't have continued to grow as a couple, to understand at a very young age how much work a relationship is, and to learn to early on to not take a day for granted. 

******

A few months ago, I came across Lauren's blog comment hoping from another. I told her that religion became another level of important when we had kids because we wanted 'to raise them in the way of forgiveness, humility and kindess'. That comment might be the most profond religious thing I have ever said. I believe everything about that quote encompasses what I believe about faith.

*****

We forgive eachother, and our children, for small mistakes which only help us grow as people.
We are humble in knowing that our plans were greatly outweighed by God's plans and, as it turns out, his were better anyways.
We try our best to be kind to eachother, therefore teaching our children how to be kind, and all at once realizing how kind God was to bring us together. 

******

all these things

Found this on a friend's Facebook.

Loved it.

The end. 

lent and such

Fast from emphasis on difference; feast on the unity of life.

Fast from apparent darkness; feast on the reality of life.

Fast from thoughts of illness; feast on the healing power of God.

Fast from words that pollute; feast on phrases that purify.

Fast from discontent; feast on gratitude.

Fast from anger; feast on patience.

Fast from pessimism; feast on optimism.

Fast from worry; feast on divine order.

Fast from complaining; feast on appreciation

Fast from negatives; feast on affirmatives.

Fast from unrelenting pressures; feast on unceasing prayer.

Fast from hostility; feast on forgiveness.

Fast from self-concern; feast on compassion for others.

Fast from personal anxiety; feast on eternal truth.

Fast from discouragements; feast on hope.

Fast from facts that depress; feast on verities that uplift.

Fast from lethargy; feast on enthusiasm.

Fast from thoughts that weaken; feast on promises that inspire.

Fast from shadows of sorrow; feast on the sunlight of serenity.

Fast from idle gossip; feast on purposeful silence.

Peter Millar. Our Hearts Still Sing

(via Kate at Daffodil's)

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I can’t really claim that I was raised in church, per se. Growing up, I bounced around from a Baptist church, to a sort of congregational community church, to the non-denominational church I attended in London, dabbling in the Church of Christ (the church in which I was baptized at age 19), to finally finding my new home at Solid Rock.

Fortunately though, I was absolutely raised with God. Many of my fondest memories growing up – and still to this day – are of long conversations with my dad about our faith. And I can remember being very small, deciding I wanted to memorize a bible passage and my mom showing me Psalm 100. Hell, I even wrote my college admissions essay about the two things in life I was sure of: my parents’ love and God’s love.

(Little could I have known then how important the concept of love would come to be for me. But more on that some other time…)

Going to school at Pepperdine was very important to me. I knew it would be a place for me to learn more about faith (the good and, unfortunately, the bad that comes of belief and following a certain “religion”) (please know that when I talk about these things, I consider “faith” and “religion” to be two distinct things – one being the basis from which the other sprang, respectively).

One thing I began to learn about and embrace at school in particular was Lent. Of all the churches we attended as I grew up, a Catholic church was never one of them. But friends I had made at school (hi, Brigette!) had grown up Catholic and knew a little more about the concept that I did. And so for what it was worth, I began to dabble with it.

I think my favorite Lenten season was senior year when Brigette and I were eating like idiots (read: about 600-800 calories a day and working out like fiends) and decided that rather than deprive ourselves of one more thing, we should probably focus on adding something to our lives in order to make it richer. And so it was the year of “Reverse Lent” in which we, after chapel on Friday, would trek to the cafeteria and eat a donut. And think about God. Or just donuts, I'm not sure.

Now though, I understand Lent more and what it really means. The little vices that come to control our daily lives that can pull us away from the focus on the important things in life. And, in particular, the most important thing in life.

Even if you’re not a Christian, it’s a nice concept, don’t you think?

And so this year, I am giving up two things.

1)    Frivolous spending - Because I could be doing so much more with that “fun money” than buying another item of clothing I don’t need. I could be taking my friends out to dinner, or giving it to the church I love so much, or – whoa – saving it. In any case, I need to be more conscious of where my money goes.

2)    Worry – And that one, ladies and gentlemen, is the big one. I am an Olympic caliber worrier and would be willing to challenge anyone to a worry-match. I worry so much about things I have no control over that it will keep me up at night, terrified that my God won’t take care of me and doom me to some fate I’ve concocted in my mind.

In the poem above, it says, “Fast from worry; feast on divine order.” And so that is my resolve this Lenten season. And I can safely say it’s going to be the hardest thing in my life to give up because I catch myself slipping into the mire of anxiety so easily and oftentimes without even realizing it.

So God, if you’re reading this (haha, I know, I know), I'm going to be needing Your help on this one. You know my heart better than I know it myself and You’re going to have to hold on to me extra tight these next few weeks. You know how I toil and spin and live decidedly unlike the lilies of the field.

I'm also going to have to unload some of this worry on You now, so You can hold onto it for me. How about I give You worry and trade for some faith… Sound like a plan? Good.

Here are a few things I’ll be putting in your hands:

The state/fate of that thing I’ve been worrying about for almost a year

My best friend’s sanity

My other best friend’s job situaiton

Another best friend’s health

The health of an acquaintance battling something shattering

Yet another best friend’s own struggle with anxiety

The safe travel and homecoming of someone’s new family member

The safety of a friend getting ready to deploy

The safety of all those already over there

More of my worry about someone’s relationship with someone else

And if I think of anything else, I’ll let you know.

As soon as I can too, because I don’t want to hold onto it any longer than I should for fear of it starting to fester in my mind.

(my mind is to worry what a warm, damp environment is to various unsavory things that grow and mutate… ew)

-

So that’s the plan. I think it’s a rather good one at that.

What are you doing for Lent? What does it mean for you? I’d love to hear!