Monday, April 9, 2012

bind my wandering heart to thee

At first, I wasn't sure whether or not to post this. 

I argued a couple different points to myself thinking "no, it's too personal" and "will people think I'm a total nut?". But ultimately, I realized that the reason I started this blog was to lay it all out, document this time in my life and in my faith, and share experiences hoping others will share theirs as well. 

And so with that, I'd like to share something I wrote in the early hours of Tuesday, 3 April 2012. I wrote this without thinking about the words pouring out, just opened a document and began typing, not wanting to forget what I felt like in that very moment. 

A simple telephone call out of the blue had, in so many ways, been a prayer for peace answered and the reassurance from God that if I could just let go of a situation and trust Him more than I wanted to - but so desperately needed to - amazing things would happen. 

So, if you'd like to read...


I am overwhelmed. I am completely consumed with disbelief in my believing how great God is and how He hears us and listens to us and answers our prayers, however long it takes. I am beside myself with such great joy that I don't know what to do, I can feel it bordering on something else entirely, completely overtaken with something I don't think I've ever experienced quite like this. I have no words. I am lost for them. Out of nowhere, complete nothingness, He calls my bluffs, He calls ME to stop doubting and stop fearing and when I tell Him that I can't, I just can't do it without Him, He hears me, in that honesty and childlike fear and hopelessness in everything but Him, and answers that call for help that only He can deliver. I don't know what to do. In the best way. On the outside it would seem that I've hit bottom, and maybe I have. Maybe this is what bottom looks like, because it is far too often that it's at that bottom He finds us and finally picks us up. 

I never want to forget what this feels like, even if things turn entirely the other way again, I want to hold on to this, this moment of perfect faith in Him, perfect so far as I can tell, on this level, in this human, imperfect and yet beautiful life. I don't know what I did to deserve this relief, no doubt it was nothing because I know what I deserve and it is certainly not relief, but grace... Oh, sweet, perfect grace, I can't repay. 

This is what falling in love feels like. 

Oh God... Thank you. 


Kate @ Daffodils said...

One of the best ways to hold on to it is to write it down and remember. Beautiful words, Lauren!

Alycia (Crowley Party) said...

Such a beautiful post :) thanks for sharing! &what is great about blogging is you can come to this someday when you need to read it again, and it will be here!

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